On Unhealthy Perfectionism

I have received many questions that relate to or boil down to problems with perfectionism, so here are some thoughts for the archive.

Perfectionism is the tendency to desire “flawlessness” as defined by an individual’s conception of it. This implies that “perfect” is often in the eye of the beholder, though a person can of course be influenced by external or societal factors in the standards that they choose for defining/envisioning perfection. For the purposes of this article, perfectionism is assumed to be a negative characteristic. Although the word “perfect” sometimes carries a positive connotation with regard to a simple desire for “betterment” towards an “ideal” state, the aim here is to explore how this seemingly innocent desire might go very wrong or take an ugly turn into dysfunction.

It is important to distinguish between “needs” and “wants” because many people feel as though they “need” perfection rather than simply desire it. Using the word “need” as a substitute for “want” lends the concept of desire a greater air of legitimacy, which can easily turn into an unhealthy sense of entitlement. If something is a “need”, then it is implied that you must have it in order to “survive”, then it is assumed that people shouldn’t stand in your way whenever you want to satisfy your need, further, it would even be morally wrong for them to stop you. Imagine that you were starving and about to die but there was somebody preventing you from eating, they would certainly be considered culpable for your death. The confusion of needs and wants go some way to explaining why perfectionists tend to be obsessive and/or aggressive. They implicitly treat the desire for perfection as a “need” and thus feel justified in doing whatever it takes to achieve it.

A “need” has two possible components: 1) it is necessary for survival, and 2) beyond mere physical survival, it is necessary for flourishing or thriving in life. For example, people have a need for food, water, clothing, and shelter, which satisfies the first component. However, once those basic physical needs are achieved, there are other needs that become important, such as the needs for safety, stability, respect, validation, belonging, competency, freedom, opportunity, achievement (see Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs as an example). Generally speaking, you can identify a “need” by whether you 1) require it for living a good life, as well as 2) whether it leads to you fulfilling your personal potential in positive ways. Needs are defined as universal (true for all human beings), so it is an essential concept to understand for anyone with an interest in living a fulfilling life.

A “want” is not something that you need but something that you desire, i.e., it belongs to you, is tailored to your unique life circumstances, and is not necessarily important to everyone. It is not the purpose of this article to argue that personal desires are wrong or even morally problematic. Desires can be legitimate when satisfying them would result in living a good life and/or you fulfilling your personal potential, i.e., when they are connected to important human needs. However, many people don’t understand their desires at all, specifically, they are unaware of the origin/cause of their desires and thus cannot successfully determine whether satisfying a particular desire is leading them in the right direction over the long run. Worse, people often know full well that satisfying a desire is going to produce negative consequences yet they can’t help themselves, in which case the desire has become more of a compulsion.

Perfectionism is a compulsion. A compulsion is an intensely strong desire that is motivated by unconscious emotional reactivity, which includes things like: deep-seated fears, insecurities, painful memories, unresolved traumas, defense mechanisms. Generally speaking, people are not inclined to directly acknowledge and confront unconscious activity because it provokes unpleasant feelings and tends to threaten self-esteem, therefore, humans are emotionally motivated to keep unconscious activities in the unconscious. However, the more one tries to repress or suppress such activity, the “louder” it becomes, until one cannot help but be compelled by dark emotional forces.

For example, a perfectionist is often unable to handle criticism gracefully when it threatens their self-esteem. Self-esteem problems are often rooted in unconscious fears about being inadequate and/or being rejected by others for being inadequate. When the unconscious fear gets loud enough to rise into consciousness, it might compel the person to eliminate the external trigger of the fear, e.g., they might aggressively shut down the criticism/critic or make excuses to deflect the criticism. You may not be able to observe the perfectionism at first glance, but when you dig deeper into their motivations for shutting down the criticism, it is because the criticism interferes with their conception of the “perfect” self who magically “never makes mistakes”.

When perfectionist behavior is motivated not by a pure desire for betterment but rather by dark and unknown unconscious activity, it becomes unhealthy, and a person is likely to manifest dysfunctional and problematic behavior that interferes with thriving and flourishing in life. Therefore, one important key to understanding perfectionism is to understand the dark emotional content which underlies it. There is rarely one neat cause when it comes to complicated human behavior; perfectionism can be learned from many possible sources and for a variety of reasons. Since perfectionism serves to address an emotional problem, people continue it even when they are aware of the negative effects, because they are not addressing the underlying emotional problem itself.

On average, Intuitives are more likely to be perfectionists than Sensors. Accepting and honoring facts and being able to adjust one’s expectations in accordance with reality naturally serve to inoculate a person against developing perfectionist tendencies. This is not to say that it is impossible for Sensors to be perfectionists, it is just less likely. Intuitives are often dissatisfied with reality, refuse to accept facts that limit their imagination, and they aren’t as adaptable to unexpected reality checks. Since they are heavily invested in achieving their hopes, dreams, or ideals, they are more likely to slide into perfectionist behavior in order to force reality to conform to the images that they envision. In other words, an unhealthy N function is often the culprit behind perfectionist tendencies. Since everyone has an N function, everyone is capable of perfectionism under the right circumstances. Perfectionism takes slightly different forms according to the health and development of the N function as well as its position within the functional stack.

Ni wants to envision one perfect future that will come into being, and a person runs into problems when that vision is out of touch with reality. NJs are the most likely to become perfectionists and tend to suffer terribly because of the extremes that they often go to in order to achieve their ideals. SPs don’t tend to be as prone to perfectionism because higher Se allows them to be more adaptable and easygoing, but perfectionism might creep in when an individual is prone to tertiary Ni loop or inferior Ni grip, or when they meet a situation that activates low Ni insecurities.

No matter the functional stack position, when one’s Ni perceptions are too narrow, too rigid, too poorly defined, or too extreme and removed from reality, it is quite likely that Ni types will display self-sabotaging behavior. To use Ni appropriately: 1) one must understand the difference between perception and reality, 2) one must be willing to examine the truth of one’s perceptions about the world, and 3) one must be able to step back from negative events in order to put them into a big picture or longer term perspective. Therefore, when Ni is used inappropriately: 1) one often treats their twisted perceptions as absolute truth, 2) one tends to become lost in wishing that ideal visions come true, and 3) one is easily led astray by the trivial and the negative because of lacking big picture or long term perspective.

Individuals who aren’t able to use Ni maturely often suffer from hair-trigger frustration and, if they lack a healthy outlet for their negative feelings, they tend to utilize Se to dump their frustrations out into the world. For example, unhealthy Se behavior often looks like: emotional overreactions, impulsive overcompensation for negative events/setbacks, unreasonable demands and expectations, aggressive and controlling behavior, insufferably whiny and self-pitying attitude, arguing uselessly about which “facts” are true/false, selectively picking out “evidence” to support/prove problematic ideas, wasting time redoing tasks in order to perform them perfectly. Of course, such behavior is hardly conducive to flourishing and realizing one’s positive potential. When Ni perceptions are too distorted/extreme or when Ni types have difficulty setting healthy ideals to guide them towards positive self-actualization, it is likely that they eventually suffer from depression or cynicism because they see nothing in the world that is worth committing themselves to.

• Immature INTJs often struggle with auxiliary Te development, which means that the methods and strategies they choose for achieving goals lack efficiency and effectiveness, thus increasing the chances of failure or disappointment. INTJ perfectionism often takes the form of aggression as they try to make the world conform to their ideals and expectations for how things “should” turn out perfectly. However, the more they try to force reality to change (rather than adapting themselves to reality), the more likely they are to create new problems, which then gradually saps their willingness to engage with the world.
• Immature INFJs often struggle with auxiliary Fe development, which means that they have difficulty fitting in and establishing emotional intimacy with others, thus suffering the loneliness and unhappiness of lacking a good social support system. INFJ perfectionism often takes the form of self-flagellation and trying to contort oneself into a false image of perfection so that one can side-step fitting in by taking solace in being whatever definition of perfection one believes is necessary for feeling self-confident. However, the more they strive to be a false image of perfection as a means to build fake self-esteem (rather than solving the root of the problem in their emotional insecurities or social anxieties), the more they lose touch with the authentic self and their own emotional needs, to the point of feeling completely lost in life and not understanding why.
• Immature ENTJs often struggle with auxiliary Ni development, which means that their ideals are often unhealthy or misguided, thus increasing the chances of feeling empty or dissatisfied even when they do manage to achieve their desired goals. ENTJ perfectionism often takes the form of tackling every challenge aggressively, such that one can efficiently reach imagined ideals of success every time. However, the more easily they rack up achievements and use them to define personal success (rather than reflecting on the larger meaning and value of those achievements), the more inflated their ego becomes and the less likely they are to admit to any existential emptiness or confusion, which makes it all too easy to continually defer questions of health and integrity.
• Immature ENFJs often struggle with auxiliary Ni development, which means that their ideals are often unhealthy or misguided, thus increasing the chances of feeling underwhelmed or unhappy even when they do manage to fulfill their aspirations. ENFJ perfectionism often takes the form of blindly pursuing ideals that they believe help increase social regard and/or social harmony. However, the more aggressively they chase the positive feelings of affirmation or harmonization (rather than reflecting on whether those social rewards are truly meaningful, universally good, and lead to spiritual fulfillment), the more likely they are to lose their authentic self because of only defining themselves through the rewards and punishments of social life.
• Immature ISTPs often struggle with auxiliary Se development, which means that their attitude and understanding of the world is severely limited and circumscribed by their preexisting system of judgment, thus making them narrow-minded and unable to learn new things well. ISTP perfectionism often takes the form of gerrymandering facts and details to match up with one’s oversimplistic and reductive beliefs about the world, obtaining self-confidence by exerting control and influence over outcomes. However, the more they must dismiss important and relevant information in order to keep their belief system intact (rather than integrating new facts and broadening their knowledge base), the more likely they are to encounter failure and contradiction, which causes them to feel a growing disillusionment with the world.
• Immature ISFPs often struggle with auxiliary Se development, which means that their attitude and understanding of life is severely limited and circumscribed by their own narrow preferences and emotional instability. ISFP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to make the world conform to one’s own personal value system in hopes of resolving underlying feelings of incongruency or dissatisfaction. However, the more stubbornly they hold on to their own beliefs, values, and opinions (rather than opening up their value system to proper critical scrutiny and correction), the more they feel compelled to run from every perceived insult or invalidation of their values, sometimes to the point of resorting to self-imposed isolation as a means to feel better about themselves.
• Immature ESTPs often struggle with auxiliary Ti development, which means that their ability to make sound judgments is easily compromised by pointless or irrelevant distractions, thus unable to formulate an accurate conception of their own strengths and weaknesses. ESTP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to “stay ahead of the pack” such that one can maintain a sense of competency and even claim superiority. However, the more they overreact to every little thing that challenges their sense of competency (rather than focusing on the challenges that would help them become a better person), the more likely they are to sow chaos and produce negative consequences that hold them back in life, sometimes to the point of paranoia and believing that the world is conspiring against them.
• Immature ESFPs often struggle with auxiliary Fi development, which means that their ability to make healthy and moral choices is easily compromised by pointless or trivial distractions. ESFP perfectionism often takes the form of using trial-and-error to pinpoint exactly which behaviors are going to efficiently achieve the most pleasure and validation. However, the more they chase after fleeting highs or superficial validation (rather than reflecting on how best to live a life of authenticity and integrity), the more likely they are to feel empty and unsatisfied as they too easily sacrifice their integrity for things that never seem to fully sate their desires, which opens the door for depressive thoughts to overtake their positive and trusting nature.

Ni perfectionism is essentially a misalignment between what one wants the world to be (Ni) and what the world is (Se). When Ni and Se are imbalanced, Ni types only see what seems to be lacking, they sense imperfections, falsehoods, gaps, voids, and they hyperfocus on those things, unable to visualize let alone actualize meaningful positive potential. The remedy to Ni perfectionism is to bring one’s expectations and reality closer together. The world is under no obligation to meet your expectations, rather, if you are serious about living your life well, you must learn to adapt your expectations to the realities of the world. It is not healthy to aim too high or too far, nor is it healthy to aim too low or have no aims. An ideal is simply a concept that provides direction, and progress should be made incrementally by carrying out realistic plans and learning from setbacks, but focusing too much on the destination means that you miss out on the fun of getting there or you miss out on other more interesting paths. Remember that the rigid way you define “perfection” does not reflect the truth of the world and how it should be. When you stubbornly hold on to problematic ideas and ideals despite the negative effects and consequences, how can you ever learn, feel, experience, and appreciate ALL that life has to offer? The meaning of life is a subjective construction, a mere concept, so it can be changed at any time should you will it, but you can’t do that when you want to believe in comfortable falsehoods and close your mind off to other valid interpretations.

Ne wants to remain open to new possibilities in hopes that pursuing them can keep life interesting or progressing, and a person runs into problems when they have trouble envisioning and pursuing the right possibilities. NPs are similar to NJs in that they can exhibit perfectionism when they become fixated on only one particular possibility that they are heavily invested in bringing to life, though they tend to take setbacks/challenges in greater stride than NJs because of being able to access a greater number and variety of potential possibilities. SJs don’t tend to be as prone to perfectionism because higher Si allows them to be more easily content with reality as it is, but perfectionism can develop when an individual is prone to tertiary Ne loop or inferior Ne grip, or when they meet a situation that activates low Ne insecurities.

No matter the functional stack position, when Ne envisions possibilities that are too limited by poor imagination, too detached from logistical reality, or too unreasonable in expectations, it is quite likely that Ne types will display irrational behavior. To use Ne appropriately: 1) one must understand the relationship between hope and success, 2) one must be willing to temper/adjust one’s hopes to accommodate important facts and details, and 3) one must be able to envision positive possibilities even in the face of negative setbacks. Therefore, when Ne is used inappropriately: 1) one frequently encounters disappointment because their hopes and dreams are easily dashed, 2) one tends to become too idealistic or uses fantasy for escape, and 3) one feels easily destroyed by every little setback/mistake because of being unable to muster a positive and resourceful attitude.

Individuals who aren’t able to use Ne maturely often suffer from fear of disappointment and, if they lack a stabilizing force in life, they tend to utilize Si as a means to express their irrational anxieties about loss or regret. For example, unhealthy Si behavior often looks like: pedantic nitpicking, obsessing over small insignificant details that don’t match preexisting expectations, compulsive comparisons that serve no useful purpose, circular ruminating on past missteps, incessant complaining about how the present/future can never live up to a mythologized past, pessimistic projections of past mistakes into future failure, making lame excuses to shut down new ideas and possibilities (and stay within comfort zones), preemptive self-handicapping or lowering expectations in an attempt to avoid/blunt future disappointment, anxious micromanaging behavior that tries to catch up with constantly fuzzy/moving goal posts. Of course, such behavior is hardly conducive to flourishing and realizing positive possibilities. When Ne visions are unrealistic or when Ne types have difficulty accessing feasible and inspiring possibilities, it is likely that they eventually suffer from depression or resignation because they see no opportunity for real progress.

• Immature INTPs often struggle with auxiliary Ne development, which means that their outlook and understanding of the world is severely limited and circumscribed by their preexisting system of judgment, thus making them unable to achieve substantial intellectual growth. INTP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to twist and turn facts to fit their closed system of logic, struggling until they feel as though their knowledge has reached an “ideal” state of “making sense”. However, the more stubborn and narrow-minded they are (rather than entertaining new ideas or incorporating alternative possibilities), the more pessimistic they become as their knowledge of the world becomes less and less accurate and reliable, which creates a growing fear of engaging with a world that seems intent on exposing one’s every flaw.
• Immature INFPs often struggle with auxiliary Ne development, which means that their outlook and understanding of life is severely limited and circumscribed by their narrow preferences and emotional instability. INFP perfectionism often takes the form of wishful thinking which imagines it is possible to remake the world into an ideal image that eases one’s feelings of incongruency or dissatisfaction. However, the more fixated they become in believing that the self can only be expressed in one perfect and “acceptable” way (rather than opening up the mind to other new and interesting paths for potential growth), the more they feel compelled to retreat into the comforts of fantasy each time the world makes them feel small or invalidated, eventually unable to escape from the small comfort zones they have drawn for themselves.
• Immature ENTPs often struggle with auxiliary Ti development, which means that their ability to make sound judgments is easily compromised by useless or irrelevant distractions, thus unable to formulate an accurate conception of their own strengths and weaknesses. ENTP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to prove oneself “innovative” through exploring various new ideas and possibilities. However, the more they indulge random ideas only for the sake of getting attention as a “nonconformist” thinker (rather than accepting well-established ideas that are proven to produce tangible progress), the more they reveal themselves as fraudulent and empty, sometimes to the point of feeling irrationally persecuted or chronically unappreciated by the world.
• Immature ENFPs often struggle with auxiliary Fi development, which means that their ability to choose the right path in life is easily compromised by useless or trivial distractions. ENFP perfectionism often takes the form of trying to live up to an image of oneself as “special” or “unique” by exploring various ideas and possibilities to use as personal identifiers. However, the more they rely on ideas with no tangible worth to define and express the self for the sake of obtaining validation (rather than accepting the path of humble self-development through hard work and commitment to sound values), the more they reveal themselves as rather superficial and even predictable in their “countertrend” tastes, which only serves to exacerbate the low self-esteem that triggers their hunger for validation.
• Immature ISTJs often struggle with auxiliary Te development, which means that the rules and methods they follow for achieving goals lack efficiency and effectiveness, thus increasing the chances of failure or disappointment. ISTJ perfectionism often takes the form of micromanaging details and plans in hopes of making them conform with preexisting expectations for how things “should” be. However, the more they try to prevent situations from moving too far outside their comfort zones (rather than being more amenable to change and novelty), the more likely they are to encounter situations that threaten their competency, and the growing fear of getting in over their heads tends to produce extreme risk-aversion that cuts off new paths to growth and fulfillment.
• Immature ISFJs often struggle with auxiliary Fe development, which means that they have difficulty adapting fluidly to social norms and establishing emotional intimacy with others, thus suffering the loneliness and unhappiness of lacking a good social support system. ISFJ perfectionism often takes the form of unnecessary nitpicking or criticizing in an effort to keep situations aligned with one’s emotional comfort zones. However, the more strict and inflexible they are in defining their boundaries of emotional comfort (rather than learning to accept vulnerability and embrace new experiences), the more likely they are to encounter threatening situations, and the growing fear of facing potential discomfort tends to produce extreme risk-aversion that cuts off new paths to love and fulfillment.
• Immature ESTJs often struggle with auxiliary Si development, which means that they have difficulty accepting their own weaknesses and limitations, thus increasing the chances of overextending in unhealthy or harmful ways. ESTJ perfectionism often takes the form of high expectations for everyone and everything to be competent and efficient. However, the more aggressively or anxiously they try to their enforce their rules and standards (rather than reflecting on whether those standards are reasonable, realistic, necessary, or truly a good fit for the person/situation), the more likely they are to cause harm or create new problems that inadvertently reveal how unfit and incompetent they are, which serves to exacerbate their micromanaging behavior in a vicious cycle.
• Immature ESFJs often struggle with auxiliary Si development, which means that they have difficulty handling their own uncomfortable emotions and establishing proper emotional boundaries, thus increasing the chances of sacrificing their well-being for little gain. ESFJ perfectionism often takes the form of managing observable behavior to be more socially “proper” and acceptable (both their own and others’). However, the more aggressively or anxiously they push themselves/others to conform with strict moral beliefs or social values (rather than reflecting on whether those beliefs/values require some adjustment or critique), the more likely they are to create relationship discord/conflicts that further trigger their fears and insecurities, thus making it harder for them to be the socially proper and acceptable person that they hope to be.

Ne perfectionism is essentially a constant tension between aspiration (Ne) and contentment (Si). When Ne and Si are imbalanced, Ne types only visualize the supposed best or the supposed worst case scenarios, unable to find any healthy middle ground, or unable to establish rational consistency in how they approach learning and planning in life. The remedy to Ne perfectionism is to recognize that there is always room for improvement BUT without losing sight of all the good things that you already have. It is not healthy to always be chasing greener pastures, nor is it healthy to always let fear stop you from branching out into greener pastures. Hopes and dreams are there to guide and motivate you, but you will turn them into sadness and disappointment when you focus too much on the destination rather than appreciating how you grow and mature along the way. Remember that progress in life should be gradual and incremental as you learn from each step as well as each misstep. When you expect to make progress too quickly, you’ll be easily duped by “shortcuts” that backfire on you; when you don’t expect that progress is even possible for you, you’ll resign yourself to bad/undesirable circumstances for no good reason. At any point in time, you can choose to make a decision that changes your life direction and you ought to try to be a better version of yourself, but you won’t be able to choose the right path if you believe that the past defines who you are or if you are unwilling/incapable of looking forward to positive future possibilities.

As mentioned in the introduction, perfectionism is an expression of unconscious emotional reactivity. Lack of awareness of unconscious activity makes it likely that a person confuses their needs and wants, i.e., they treat their perfectionist desires as “needs” and then become irrationally driven to satisfy them.

When you feel compelled to “perfect” something, ask yourself honestly:

• is it a need or want?
• is my behavior harming myself or someone else?
• are my “standards” or “expectations” reasonable and appropriate?
• where do my “standards” or “expectations” come from?
• what do I fear might happen if I were to “let things be”?
• can I confront and articulate the fear itself rather than acting out?
• can I envision, as objectively as possible, both the pros and the cons of “letting things be” (rather than just assuming the worst)?
• can I put negative events into a big picture perspective?

The first step in addressing perfectionism is to develop better emotional intelligence so that you can be more aware of your perfectionist behavior and its emotional origins. Hopefully, the short descriptions for each type above help to illuminate how poorly developed functions can create unconscious fears that compel perfectionist behavior. Consult the sections about Emotional Well-Being and Type Development on my blog for more advice.