Handling Differences in Relationships
“The more you know yourself, the more patience you have for what you see in others.” – Erik Erikson
Introduction
Many relationship conflicts stem from type development issues on both sides. Generally speaking, the lower the level of psychological development, the more egocentric a person is, and the less capable they are of understanding other minds. Half the battle in relationships is understanding where the other person is coming from. Every type has its own set of biases, fears, insecurities, and emotional triggers. The more underdeveloped your functions are, the more likely you are to project or transfer your psychological issues onto others, thus unable to approach people objectively because you filter all incoming information through your own type biases. Therefore, it is very important to know yourself better if you want to handle relationships better.
Function development teaches you to gather information more thoroughly, to assess situations more realistically, and to make decisions more carefully - all of which improve your odds of resolving relationship issues effectively. This article outlines some common relationship problems that arise from function development issues. Remember that relationships require work from both sides if mutual understanding is to be achieved; you can’t fix a relationship when the other party isn’t as committed as you are.
Extraverts vs Introverts
Extraverts
Extraverts generally need more stimulation from the world than introverts, therefore, they tend to want everyone to be more active and proactive in their approach to life.
Potential Problems:
Overindulging extraversion can lead to you being too rash when decision making, more prone to making hasty mistakes than introverts (who tend to be more careful and reflective), which can create friction if your (repeated) mistakes impact them negatively or if they frequently have to clean up your messes.
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that slowing down to attend to details and potential complications is probably going to get you a better result the first time around. Be respectful of people who are not as active/proactive as you are because they might be reflecting on things you haven’t thought about. Avoid making too many demands when someone needs time for reflection or recharging. Negotiate acceptable compromises that encourage a good balance between extraverted and introverted activities in the relationship.
Introverts
Introverts generally need more down time in order to recharge their energy, therefore, they tend to prefer situations that are more slow going or low-key in nature.
Potential Problems:
Overindulging introversion can lead to you being too passive in how you make decisions or handle situations, more prone to being indecisive, hesitant, or missing out on good opportunities than extraverts (who tend to be more assertive), which can create friction if your reservedness impacts them negatively or if they feel “held back” by your slower pace.
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that it is good for your development to challenge yourself and explore beyond your comfort zones. Be respectful of people who prefer a more active lifestyle by showing greater willingness to participate or join. Don’t forget to make your introverted needs more explicit to them in order to avoid miscommunication. Negotiate acceptable compromises that encourage a good balance between introverted and extraverted activities in the relationship.
Perceiving Function Issues
Overindulging Se (High Se Types: ESTP ESFP ISTP ISFP)
Due to Se, SPs generally want others to be easygoing, to behave in ways that display a carefree and fun-loving attitude. Naturally attentive to interesting or new experiences, SPs tend to connect with others through sharing enjoyment of physical activities and finding practical ways to be helpful.
Potential Problems:
Overindulging Se can make you too careless in attitude, prone to casually dismissing important issues until they suddenly seem insurmountable. This can result in the other person feeling as though you are not taking the relationship seriously enough or feeling uncertain about how committed you really are (thereby unwilling to commit energy to you in return).
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that maintaining a relationship can be complicated because there are differences that need to be reconciled. No matter how insignificant you think an issue is, if the other person sees it differently, then you have a problem. Therefore, listen more carefully and be more willing to process problems together. Realize that every relationship has its fair share of ups and downs, and it is in having the patience to work through the down times that creates the depth of mutual understanding required for relationships to last. Therefore, avoid being too easily scared off by problems/setbacks and put more effort into resolving differences/disagreements properly. SPs should work on their lower Ni function in order to be more reflective and persevering in relationships.
Overindulging Ne (High Ne Types: ENTP ENFP INTP INFP)
Due to Ne, NPs generally want others to be open-minded, to behave in ways that foster optimism and adventurousness. Naturally attentive to positive possibilities, NPs tend to dream big and look for creative ways to make the most out of life.
Potential Problems:
Overindulging Ne can make you too unrealistic about what is possible in a relationship, prone to overestimating the positives and downplaying the negatives, perhaps continually kicking important negative issues down the road until they become unmanageable. This can result in the other person feeling as though you are never truly content with things as they are or that you cannot be relied upon to address relationship issues carefully.
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that too much fantasy promotes negligence. Some people value stability because they cannot feel justified to invest energy in a relationship when there is no sense of security or commitment. Therefore, avoid changing your mind midstream without good reason or pushing too hard on people’s comfort zones because it can destabilize the relationship if you are not careful about it. Realize that all relationships have their unhappy moments and all couples have their differences to overcome, and it is in learning how to address unhappiness competently that leads to tangible improvement. Therefore, take more time to sit with issues and come up with creative solutions, let people know that you can be counted on in the good times and bad, listen carefully to concerns/criticisms to address problems more realistically. NPs should work on their lower Si function in order to be more attentive and grounded in their attitude.
Overindulging Si (High Si Types: ISTJ ISFJ ESTJ ESFJ)
Due to Si, SJs generally want others to be predictable, to behave in ways that are familiar and to be consistent with what they consider to be important rules of conduct. Naturally attentive to practical details, SJs tend to be careful and thoughtful in how they take care of people, often working humbly behind-the-scenes to serve people’s practical needs.
Potential Problems:
Overindulging Si can make you too irrational in fussing over people unnecessarily or nitpicking their behavior whenever you believe that they do not conform with your expectations. This can result in them feeling frustrated or smothered by the rules you impose.
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that people are complicated. No matter how long you have known someone, they can still surprise you with some hidden depth. Therefore, never assume that what you have seen so far is all there is to them. Realize that some people need more space and freedom to grow through new explorations. Staying within comfort zones for too long can produce boredom and stagnation, therefore, avoid projecting your risk aversion onto others and be more willing to explore new vistas together. SJs should work on their lower Ne function in order to become more flexible and open-minded to change and improvement.
Overindulging Ni (High Ni Types: INTJ INFJ ENTJ ENFJ)
Due to Ni, NJs generally want others to be forward-thinking, to behave in ways that care about implications and longer term vision. Naturally wanting a sense of purpose in life, NJs tend to take relationships quite seriously and do not commit themselves lightly, often attuned to what seems missing/lacking in a relationship.
Potential Problems:
Overindulging Ni can breed perfectionism, perhaps tempted to mold a person or improve a relationship to match your vision while failing to show proper appreciation for the person as they are, thus easily blindsided when the reality of them eventually shows itself. This can result in the other person feeling as though you are too demanding or disgruntled, unable to really acknowledge and accept them, even tiring them out with your unreasonably high expectations.
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that everyone interprets situations differently because each individual assigns “importance” according to their own subjective needs. No matter how much you want to achieve an ideal picture of a relationship, reality has its limitations, therefore, do not spend all of your time preoccupied with “imperfections” and take more time to nurture emotional connection in the present. Realize that everyone needs to find their own meaningful path in life, so do not expect that everyone will agree with you about what you think is important or “for the best”. Be more open to new perspectives as you may learn something that alters/broadens your perspective for the better. Being too narrow or restrictive in your expectations produces chronic ungratefulness and entitlement that drives others away. Therefore, reflect more carefully on your expectations, where they came from, why you’ve adopted them, and whether they are unreasonably high/low. Ensure that there is enough give-and-take and be more willing to go with the flow of the other person’s movements. NJs should work on developing their lower Se function in order to be more humble and adaptable in their approach to others.
Judging Function Issues
Overindulging Te (High Te Types: ESTJ ENTJ ISTJ INTJ)
Due to Te, TJs generally want others to be tough-minded, to behave in ways that show determination in overcoming setbacks and producing good results. Naturally attentive to efficiency, TJs tend to be assertive and responsible, willing to sacrifice in order to achieve the goals they believe in.
Potential Problems:
Overindulging Te can make you excessively critical of people’s shortcomings, failing to appreciate people’s individuality because of being too focused on harshly judging what they can/can’t do. This might result in the other person feeling unappreciated or misunderstood, unable to feel how much you really care because you express it in entirely the wrong way (i.e. injuring their pride).
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that there is more to life than competence. No matter how much you do for someone, love is best communicated through nurturing POSITIVE feelings and emotions, through accepting people for who they are, through being respectful of their limitations and sensitivities. Therefore, make sure that whatever “help” you offer does not inadvertently invalidate people or damage their self-esteem. Realize that every individual is unique and some people place greater value on learning, exploration, or enjoyment than pure competence. Therefore, be more open-minded in how you evaluate the worth of people, allow people the freedom to be themselves, because they will never discover their own unique strengths if you try to force them into being a pathetic copy of you. TJs should work on their lower Fi function in order to be more emotionally sensitive and accepting of human fragility.
Overindulging Fe (High Fe Types: ESFJ ENFJ ISFJ INFJ)
Due to Fe, FJs generally want others to be agreeable, to behave in ways that facilitate friendliness and cooperation. Naturally attentive to people’s feelings, FJs tend to be kind and compassionate, often willing to go the extra mile to help someone in need or offer emotional support.
Potential Problems:
Overindulging Fe can make you too insecure in relationships because of not setting appropriate emotional boundaries. You might: give/sacrifice more than you should (unequal relationship), become oversensitive to criticism, get desperate for agreement or affirmation, act out inconsistently/hypocritically when your feelings get the better of you, or overstep into issues that shouldn’t concern you. This can result in the other person feeling uneasy, smothered, or confused about what it is you really want from them.
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that not everything someone does is your concern. No matter how much you want to help or how strongly you feel, people are free to have their own beliefs and values and set their own path in life. Therefore, respect everyone’s right to their own private life outside of a relationship, including your own, and this should not be a source of insecurity but rather a source of excitement when two people come together to share their unique offerings. Realize that what you expect from people may not match what they expect because different people want different things out of a relationship. Therefore, to ensure a truly harmonious relationship, nurture open communication and willingness to hear criticism/complaints with fair-mindedness. Remember that it is through difficulty - authentic expression and ownership of negativity, facing up to differences, correcting false assumptions, and calmly negotiating compromises - that two people learn to connect better. FJs should work on their lower Ti function in order to nurture emotional intelligence and healthy (rather than defensive) independence.
Overindulging Ti (High Ti Types: ISTP INTP ESTP ENTP)
Due to Ti, TPs generally want others to be rational, to behave in ways that avoid causing problems unnecessarily. Naturally attentive to factual accuracy, TPs tend to be very independent and approach people matter-of-factly, often learning from past problems to devise easy and straightforward formulas for socializing.
Potential Problem:
Overindulging Ti can make you disconnected from the flow of feelings and emotions that arise during social interaction, perhaps relying too much on reductive formulas about how to “fix” things, perhaps unable to address people’s deepest feelings and concerns. This can result in the other person feeling dismissed, disrespected, or not wanting to invest further time and energy into the relationship when you give the appearance of being emotionally unavailable or closed-off.
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that feelings matter and everyone has emotional needs, including you. No matter how factual or logical you believe yourself to be, you won’t get your point across if you don’t show respect for the other person’s perspective, especially when they’re expressing something related to your blindspots or shortcomings. Therefore, avoid arguing or talking “at” people and do more listening, because disagreement means you could be missing an important point that you hadn’t considered before. Realize that relationships require investment of feeling and emotion - the willingness to share and be vulnerable together - because this allows others to feel secure in knowing that you value them and desire a relationship with them. Therefore, do more tangible things to express that you care and take more time to SHOW appreciation for kind gestures (and reciprocating when appropriate). TPs should work on their lower Fe function to be more emotionally capable and understanding of human foibles.
Overindulging Fi (High Fi Types: ISFP INFP ESFP ENFP)
Due to Fi, FPs generally want others to have integrity, to behave in ways that show sensitivity to personal boundaries and moral preferences. Naturally attentive to individual needs, FPs tend to be loyal and devoted once they commit themselves to a relationship, often doing whatever they can to protect and defend their loved one’s interests.
Potential Problems:
Overindulging Fi can make you ineffectual in a relationship because of focusing too much on differences or disagreements, perhaps: too easily trapped in your own subjectivity, too needy for validation of your identity/uniqueness, too defensive about your beliefs and preferences, dwelling too long in your grievances (unforgiving), or too focused on your own feelings to see the truth about the other person. This can result in them feeling unseen or unable to connect with you, as though speaking over each other instead of truly communicating.
Crafting Solutions:
Realize that people might feel very differently than you. No matter how much you hope that they can share your values, every person has their own unique background and experience that should be honored. Therefore, be more open to learning about your differences without feeling threatened, gather more factual information about the person so that the relationship is grounded in reality and not false projections. Realize that people may not understand how you feel when the differences haven’t yet been discovered and explored. Therefore, be more expressive about your needs, preferences, and values and encourage them to do the same, so that you can both move closer to meeting in the middle. FPs should work on their lower Te function in order to be more objective and reasonable during disagreements.