Communicating Your Way Through Difficult Conflicts

There will be times in your life when you come across people you have trouble relating to. In some cases, these people are close to you, like family, classmates, or colleagues, and there is no way to avoid them or cut them out of your life completely. In the worst case scenario, these people might even be toxic, abusive, or violent, and in such cases the only reasonable option is to look for a way out. If you find yourself forced into a relationship with a difficult but not abusive person, then there are things you can do to try to improve the situation.

Most people tend to approach difficult conflicts with a “war” mindset, which will leave each party deeply entrenched in their positions rather than bring both parties closer to common ground. Therefore, the first step to mending a difficult relationship is to develop a willingness to climb out of one’s own trench in order to see whether there is some common ground to be discovered. This can be a difficult process but it is worth tackling if only to bring yourself more peace. And it is important to remember that difficult problems never have easy solutions. There are indeed relationships that are unsalvageable, but you cannot be sure until you have put in your best effort.

Fixing a relationship conflict means that you need to see it as honestly and realistically as possible, the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. You cannot solve a problem that you do not really understand. When both people have formed an unrealistic and rigid view of the other person, there is no longer any space for discussion. So, first, you should accurately determine what each person contributes to the relationship, positive and negative. It takes two people to form unhealthy relationship patterns, so you must at least take responsibility for your own part.

The Truth About “Me”

When we feel that someone has wronged us, we will engage in blame and accusation, expecting the other person to understand us, apologize, and make up for the mistake. This is because of ego. In psychology, the ego represents the parts of us that make up our “identity”. When the ego feels threatened, it will instinctively launch into “fight or flight” survival mode, either through lashing out or building up defenses.

The ego has a great memory and it will become increasingly sensitive to “threats” as you get older if you do not become more aware of what it is doing behind the scenes. When the ego operates unconsciously, we have no control over it. Therefore, it is important to become aware of when the ego wants to defend itself because then we can learn to pause and consciously assess the nature of the threat, instead of always reacting with a primitive survival instinct. The threat could be real, imagined, or not as severe as initially thought. You cannot adapt appropriately until the threat is seen clearly. As you learn to become more aware of the ego’s activities, you can see past its defenses into the real self that is hidden behind it.

No matter how righteous you feel your case may be, the fact is that a blaming mindset is always destructive because it comes from the ego perspective, which only understands the world in a distorted “survivalist” way. What really happens when you blame?

1. When you direct blame outward, you are not properly acknowledging your own feelings/emotions. You are locating the source of your problem outside of yourself and not recognizing that you are the one who feels the problem most deeply. In fact, you are the one engaging in defense and this will prevent you from seeing the situation objectively.
2. Expecting the other person to “make up for their mistake” means that you probably have not understood why they acted as they did. Blame will cause them to feel misunderstood and they will likely resent you as a result. Your blame will make them feel defensive, and this will not allow them to admit to mistakes without feeling a loss of pride or dignity. Remember that nobody enjoys making mistakes or having past mistakes thrown back into their face repeatedly.

Get in touch with how the situation makes you really feel beyond the ego. Observe yourself honestly. Do you feel: angry, hurt, disappointed, sad, upset, betrayed? Your ego will try to hide your pain from conscious awareness. Bring the pain or suffering into awareness so that you can see yourself realistically. Remember: “Whatever you resist you become. If you resist anger, you are always angry. If you resist sadness, you are always sad. If you resist suffering, you are always suffering. If you resist confusion, you are always confused. We think that we resist certain states because they are there, but actually they are there because we resist them.”

It is a lot easier to be angry and blame someone than it is to let them know that you feel hurt. Once you are able to accept your own hurt, then you have a chance to express it and process it in a healthy way. Other people are usually much more willing to listen if you express your pain honestly. This is something the ego cannot understand because it does not want to feel vulnerable. But the ego is not the real you; it is just a collection of conditioned reactions. When you pinpoint your true feelings beyond the ego, then you can find the real cause for your hurt, instead of trying to pin your hurt on someone else.

The Truth About “Them”

When dealing with any person, always keep this in mind: “People are doing the best that they can from their own level of consciousness.”

The vast majority of people only do what they know. If they do not know any better, then they cannot do any better. This applies to yourself as well. It would be unfair to blame people for making mistakes out of ignorance (which is why, for example, our justice system treats children and adults differently).

Instead of being quick to hurl blame, judgment, or criticism when someone “fails” to act in accordance with your wishes or expectations, take more time to understand why they did what they did. Oftentimes, knowing someone’s actual motivation will diffuse your frustration a bit. For instance, if your parent or your boss is quite controlling and pushy, it would be natural to point a finger at them and label them as annoying or insufferable. But what is the actual motivation for their behavior? Parents want to protect their children from harm. Bosses want to protect the company’s interests and are under pressure to produce good results. The stress they feel can easily spill over and be displaced onto the people “below” them. This does not make their behavior acceptable, but it does make their behavior understandable. When we can understand other people well, their behavior will seem more reasonable even if it is ultimately misguided.

Everybody needs to find ways of coping with stress. Some people find healthy ways whereas others find destructive ways, often without realizing how damaging their behaviors can be. Some people have a lower tolerance for stress. We all have unconscious conditioned reactions that are not always ideal or adaptive. If you can understand this, then you can start to find ways to work around other people’s issues.

Every human has real intrinsic needs. We all have physical needs: for food, shelter, clothing, security, and comfort. We all have emotional needs: to feel competent, dignified, acknowledged, and understood. We all have social needs: to feel connection, belonging, and larger purpose. We all have self-actualization needs: for freedom, integrity, development, and growth.

Try to see yourself and others in terms of needs rather than desires. Desires are about what the ego wants. It is nice to have a desire met. However, having our needs met is where true personal fulfillment lies, and everyone seeks this fulfillment whether they are aware of it or not. Some people label it as “happiness” while others call it “enlightenment”. When you don’t understand what you really need, you will always feel dissatisfied. When you don’t understand what others really need, you cannot understand the root cause of their behavior. Being ignorant of human needs makes it much harder to navigate relationships successfully.

Communicating Through Needs

Here is the difficult part in mending a relationship: Two people must find a way to communicate their needs honestly to each other. In order to do this, at least one person must first be willing to transcend their ego desires and defenses. When one person is able to reach out, the other person will be more likely to respond in kind. Oftentimes in difficult relationships, neither party is willing to make themselves vulnerable and the relationship then remains stagnant or gets worse over time.

“You are so lazy, always leaving dishes in the sink.”

“When I walk into the kitchen and see the sink full of dishes, it really makes me feel stressed because I have so little time to finish all of my daily tasks. I need more help.”

Which statement do you think makes the other person more willing to listen? The first statement is a statement of blame and judgment, which violates the other person’s need to feel competent. The second statement expresses a feeling of hurt, the cause of the hurt, and a proposed solution to the hurt. It is a statement free of ego, blame, or judgment, and reaches out to the other person by appealing to a universal need to feel competent. See the difference? If the other person is reasonable and genuinely cares for you, they will not be able to ignore your pain when confronted with it so nakedly.

Nuances in how we communicate with each other make all the difference in terms of creating understanding between people. Words are like actions. When you are saying something, you are also doing something. When you use critical or harsh language, you are dismissing or undervaluing the other person’s needs. When you use sincere or inquiring language, you are acknowledging and valuing the other person’s needs… and then negotiation becomes possible.

A request is asking for something that you require for satisfying a genuine need. A demand is expecting something for satisfying your ego. Do not confuse the two. When your needs are not being met by others, you must express that clearly to them, without making a demand or blaming them for failing to meet your expectations. Learn to express your needs as well as make requests in a neutral and objective manner. The more you learn to do this, the less reactive and defensive everyone will be.

“You’re late again! Can’t you be on time for once?”

“I believe that being on time is a sign of your care and respect for me. I would appreciate it if you could be on time in the future. Is there a reason you have difficulty with punctuality?”

The first statement is demanding and accusatory, violating the other person’s need to feel competent and understood. The second statement is an expression of your own hurt and why you feel hurt, including a reasonable request to the other person that clearly outlines how they can meet your need for respect. The added question creates dialogue and opens up a chance to understand the reason for the other person’s behavior, which meets their need to be heard and understood. See the difference? When the other person has a chance to explain their side, then both parties will be more open to finding a solution to the problem.

On the flip side, you must try your best to understand what someone needs from you and what their actual request is, regardless of how they express it. Try to understand that people are not always good at expressing themselves clearly, often because their own egos get in the way, so sometimes it is up to you to be skilled enough at “decoding” their communications.

Here is an example:

Their Statement: “No, I won’t allow you to do that.”

Real Meaning: “For some reason, I am uncomfortable with that action and find it threatening. My need for security is being violated and I need to stop you before things feel out of control.”

Acknowledgment from You: “May I ask why this action makes you uncomfortable? Is it because you are worried that something could go wrong? I feel that doing this is a good opportunity for me to grow as a person. I have thought about it carefully and I feel the risks are minimal [explain logically]. I have also made a plan B in case things do not go accordingly [explain in detail]. This is important to me because [outline reasons], so are you willing to help me with this?”

When you can see through people’s ego reactivity, you will be able to respond more consciously to their hidden or unconscious needs/requests without feeling defensive or offended yourself. When you are not defensive, the other person can stay relaxed and open. From there, real negotiation can begin and you can both work together towards some form of agreement. It might take many tries before the other person opens up. The longer you have had a negative relationship with that person, the harder it will be to break the old habits. Patience and persistence might be required.

You might feel it is impossible to get along well with certain people, but it could just be that you have not understood their “language” or way of seeing the world, often because you are too focused on your own point of view. This is especially true of young people or teenagers who are still emerging from the self-centeredness of childhood and struggling to see the world in a broader way. But learning how to deal with people effectively is a skill that is better learned earlier than later.

See the Emotional Well-Being section for more detail about how each type handles emotional conflict. Then you can learn to be more adaptable and work around people’s emotional triggers more effectively.

Relationships are not zero-sum games. Both parties need to learn how to give and take and maintain good balance in meeting each other’s needs. Communicating honestly and getting a handle on emotion are skills that can be built up through practice. It is not always an easy learning process but, if two people care for one another, there should be enough motivation to make a sustained effort. Treat this process as a good opportunity to learn and grow.

_Note:_ There is no negotiating with people who are truly abusive or damaged. If you are in an abusive relationship, you need to plan a way to get out. Search the internet for government, community, or non-profit resources that you can utilize in your local area. If you do not have regular/safe access to internet, try the public library or go to a friend/relative’s house instead.