Caring for Emotional Needs

Being able to process and express emotions in a healthy way is essential for good psychological well-being and maintaining good relationships.

Generally speaking:

• Introverts tend to process emotions inwardly. Their emotions might not be obvious to anyone else until they feel overwhelmed. Thus, introverts must learn how to express feelings outwardly in a constructive manner before “exploding”. In other words, do not bottle up emotions. Let emotions breathe or else they will become increasingly unmanageable.
• Extraverts tend to process emotions outwardly, usually by talking them through or taking some kind of action. They often don’t think to stop and reflect on emotions until their actions lead to epic crisis, and then the messy situation makes their emotions even worse. Thus, extraverts must learn to pause and step back before acting too hastily. Reassess situations carefully rather than act out impulsively. When emotions are becoming intense, pause and take time to self-soothe or clear your head.

When a problem arises, people often double down on their usual behaviors -  introverts are likely to become more and more withdrawn and extraverts are likely to get more and more aggressive. However, when the problem doesn’t go away or even gets worse, it is a sign that your current approach isn’t working, which means that it’s time to try the opposite approach. For introverts, instead of withdrawing more and more, reach out for help or guidance. For extraverts, instead of acting out more and more aggressively, learn to sit with the problem for awhile and allow your mind to patiently discover a proper solution.

When you feel really confused or overwhelmed emotionally, stop what you’re doing in relation to the problem. Engage in a constructive activity that serves to distract you from your emotions for awhile. Choose activities that help you RELAX (calming) as opposed to “escape” (destructive). For example, do something fun, physical, creative, detail-oriented, social, or strategic. Immerse your attention in something positive for awhile, and once you are calmer and more level-headed, revisit the problem and think on the solution. 

Process emotions properly by allowing them to arise and pass on their own accord, without resistance. Sit with them and let them pass through the body. Once they have been allowed to fade in intensity naturally, you are then able to think more rationally about why you were reacting badly, whether your reaction was healthy or warranted, and whether there is some deeply rooted problem that needs to be addressed. Do not ignore/resist emotions because they will only grow in intensity if the original problem that sparked them remains unresolved. Once the emotional intensity dies down, it is tempting to just move on and leave it behind, but remember that strong emotions are a warning signal and should be listened to. Recurring negativity is there to alert you that something needs to be changed, so figure out what that is and change it for the better.

An essential part of emotional intelligence is being in touch with your own emotional needs and doing the things that are required for maintaining your psychological well-being. Emotional needs are closely tied to personality type and what each cognitive function requires for operating optimally. Remember that people don’t only use one function. All four of your functions need to be healthy for your personality to be healthy overall.

• Si needs to feel the comfort of a rooted and stable life. Honor your priorities, rituals, routines, and the good things in your life; use them to stabilize and ground yourself whenever you feel scattered or out of sorts. Reduce stress by breaking up big tasks, projects, or goals into smaller, more manageable steps.
• Ni needs a meaningful goal or ideal to aspire to. Honor yourself by focusing your attention on how to be a better you and live a better life whenever you start to feel aimless, empty, or unhappy. Reduce stress by making sure that your plans are feasible, your goals are realistic, and your ideal something worthwhile/fulfilling to strive for. 
• Ti needs to attend properly to personal interests and capabilities. Honor your need for independence by making enough time to pursue your interests and challenging yourself to develop your skill-sets. Reduce stress by learning the knowledge/skills that you need to take care of your own business well and know to let go of the things that you shouldn’t be responsible for.
• Fi needs good avenues for authentic self-expression. Honor who you are by expressing your positive values and passions in everything that you try to accomplish. Reduce stress by knowing your limits, respecting your boundaries and values, and practicing self-compassion for your sensitivities, vulnerabilities, and weaknesses. 
• Se needs opportunities for exciting experiences and activities. Honor your need for movement by keeping yourself open, adventurous, active, and appreciating the beautiful things in life. Reduce stress by making sure that you get enough fun, pleasure, and enjoyment, such that you maintain proper work-life balance. 
• Ne needs the mental stimulation of new ideas and possibilities. Honor your need for change and progress by looking on the bright side, trying out new activities, making improvements, and solving problems creatively. Reduce stress by practicing optimism and trusting that you are always able to change and make changes for the better. 
• Te needs engagement through productive work and output. Honor your work ethic by taking on important responsibilities, tackling challenges assertively, and confronting problems with determination. Reduce stress by being as efficient as possible, removing obstacles with the right methods, and using present difficulties to grow your ability to handle future challenges. 
• Fe needs to feel connected to something larger than oneself. Honor your need for emotional investments by working on your relationships, giving and contributing of yourself, and caring about something enough to help it grow and flourish. Reduce stress by sharing your burdens/concerns with those who care about you and using collective intelligence to resolve problems.

Many relationship problems stem from the expectation that people should “just know” your emotional needs and how to meet them. But that’s not how relationships work. To build a relationship over time involves getting to know more about each other’s emotional needs, personal preferences, and individual quirks and sensitivities. How YOU handle your emotional needs teaches other people how to approach them, e.g., if you always downplay your emotional needs, you signal to other people that you aren’t important in the relationship. 

When you aren’t even aware of your emotions and emotional needs, your feelings are likely to get out of your control quite often, and this easily leads to blame, accusation, or resentment - perfect ingredients for relationship conflict. It always helps when you are able to communicate your emotional needs in a neutral and straightforward manner, before feelings and emotions become too intense. You can’t expect others to know what’s going on with you and how best to help you when you don’t even know yourself well enough to communicate what’s happening. 

Help people help you by being honest about when you:

• need space to think, reflect, or calm down
• need to visit/revisit something that’s bothering you
• need to process feelings or talk something through
• need ideas for solving a difficult problem
• need help for sorting out confusion/complications
• need a hand doing something difficult/laborious
• need an ear or shoulder to cry on (without advice)
• feel lonely and want some warmth and intimacy
• feel neglected and need more care and attention
• feel sad/happy/ and why

If someone keeps brushing off, ridiculing, overlooking, or ignoring your emotional needs, then it is an unhealthy relationship. If two people attend to each other’s emotional needs with care, then it is a healthy relationship. Oftentimes, people “fail” to meet your expectations because they have no idea what you’re expecting from them, so it would be unfair to blame them. Make a reasonable request of others to help with your emotional needs. Of course, people are not required to meet your needs, but give them the chance and the choice to do so by making your needs clear to begin with. In other words, avoid causing yourself undue frustration because of unspoken expectations or assuming that people are magical mindreaders.

We are often encouraged to follow the “golden rule”, meaning that we should treat others the way that we would like to be treated. However, this doesn’t always work. If you show care through actions that reflect your own preferences and values rather than the other person’s, you may inadvertently create a misunderstanding and spark conflict. 

For instance, let’s say that you made an honest mistake at work, and you know that your boss is very prickly about being careful and precise (i.e. they are SJ). Since you know what they value, tailor the best apology to fit the situation. In your apology, emphasize that you realize how important details are, how important it is to be more careful and methodical, how important it is to follow the procedures properly, and reassure them that you will keep working to improve on these fronts. This helps them maintain faith in you because you’ve made it clear that you understand what they value. By offering a genuine, well-crafted apology, with an earnest promise to improve, your boss might still get angry and criticize you, but they’ll also be more willing to let it go and give you another chance to prove yourself. 

Caring is a Reflection of Values

People usually want the kind of help and support that is aligned with their own system of beliefs and values. If you offer the wrong kind of help, you may inadvertently make the situation worse for them by giving them the opposite of what they really need. Tact and timing are everything.

Emotionally intelligent people always approach helping situations with the intent of trying to understand what the other person actually needs - not what they believe or assume the other person “should” need. Based on the cognitive function triggers described in the previous article, it is important to offer care and help in a way that doesn’t trigger their negative emotions even further. 

Keep in mind that people don’t only use one function, so it is important to address the function that is the key emotional trigger, which might change according to the circumstances:

• Si needs to know that change is within one’s power to prepare for and manage. For example, are you able to offer them reassurance, something to ensure their comfort/security, or effective logistical support?
• Se needs a way to release, lighten up, and be present again. For example, are you able to join them in an interesting activity, help them calm down or get their emotions out, or draw them out of their head by clearing away any misconceptions?
• Ni needs to believe that there is something positive to look forward to. For example, are you able to help them set a useful/better goal, remind them of their achievements so far, or help them refocus on their priorities?
• Ne needs an inspiring idea or possibility to renew optimism. For example, are you able to brainstorm with them, point out the bright side, or offer up a new idea or perspective on the situation?
• Ti needs to clarify a problem to discover a logical solution. For example, are you able to identify the main cause(s) of the problem, offer a useful strategy/approach, or point out the logical fallacies that distort or confuse their thinking on the matter?
• Te needs an effective and efficient method to tackle challenges/problems. For example, are you able to offer a plan of attack, point them to a useful resource or expert, or help them get a better grasp on the situation through summarizing the facts or doing an objective cost/benefit analysis?
• Fi needs to have one’s experience respected and validated. For example, are you able to listen with sensitivity, show acceptance of who they are, or remind them of their good/positive qualities when they are self-critical?
• Fe needs to feel accepted, understood, and cared for. For example, are you able to give them space for free emotional expression, offer emotional and moral support whenever they feel down, or reassure them whenever they feel uncertain or insecure?

When in doubt about how to help someone, ask them what they need or whether there’s something you can do to help. They may or may not be able to tell you, but make sure that they know you’re genuinely willing to help.

Emotional intelligence means that: 1) you are able to anticipate how people will respond to your actions, 2) you know how to avoid triggering people’s emotional sensitivities, 3) you know appropriate methods for meeting people’s emotional needs, and 4) you won’t misinterpret people’s helping/caring behaviors towards you. Remember that helping people is an art and requires flexibility, as emotions are volatile and subject to change as circumstances change. Therefore, be forgiving of yourself when you make honest missteps, and be forgiving of others when their intention to help you is obvious despite choosing the wrong method. 

Containing People’s Emotions

Everyone runs into problems and people that they have trouble handling. But if you understand what people value and how they express their emotions, then you have a better chance of figuring out the best way forward.

When someone is upset with you or just generally upset, it’s important to remain vigilant about how YOU are responding to their negativity. When you’re not aware of your reaction, your negativity might compound and worsen their negativity. Be the bigger person and allow people the freedom to air their feelings and grievances instead of reflexively jumping into defense or attack mode. When you give people a chance to have their say, they’ll calm down, and then they’ll be more amenable to reasonable discussion. But if you get defensive, you’ll increase the emotional tension, which makes them more defensive, and then it’s a lot harder to find common ground to stand on, as both sides dig their trenches and get ready to battle. Taking responsibility for your fair share of the situation means that you get ahead of blowback instead of causing it - diffuse and deescalate rather than confuse and exacerbate.

Helpful people are always on the lookout for unusual or out-of-character behaviors in the people around them. Some people are open about their problems, while others don’t like burdening others. You can always ask people if they’re okay, if they’re doing well, etc, but make sure that they also know you’re willing to listen to the answer, no matter how long the story is. Oftentimes, we ask after one another to be polite, so the default answer is “I’m fine”. Get past politeness by explicitly stating that you’re open to listening, have the time to help, or are willing to offer necessary support or resources.

Sometimes, people are reluctant to talk about their problems, and that’s okay. It’s important to allow people to share as they feel comfortable. Prod but don’t push. Every now and then, check on them and tell them you care. Trust that people will seek help as they need it. If someone is in a dire situation but won’t seek help, then perhaps you might need to be more assertive in figuring out their problem. But in everyday situations, respect people’s privacy while showing them the willingness to help if/when they should reach out for it.

Dealing with Introverts:

Realize that introverts need time and space to process emotions on their own. Do not misinterpret their behavior as uncaring, neglectful, ineffectual, or insensitive. Be on the lookout for some early warning signs like out-of-character withdrawal, pessimism, self-criticism, or self-punishment. Do not push them to open up before they are ready, but check on them regularly and be available when they are ready to open up. Gently encourage them to talk about their problems. When introverts get stressed, they tend to get more and more withdrawn via tertiary loop, and this leads to more and more dysfunctional and unpredictable behavior via inferior grip. At that time, help them reconnect to their dominant function (see the Type Development Guide for tips). Once they return to a more normal state, encourage auxiliary function development as necessary to resolve deeper psychological issues.

Dealing with Extraverts:

Realize that extraverts need to let their emotions out, sometimes in very messy ways, so do not misinterpret their behavior as callous, irrational, aggressive, or impulsive. Be on the lookout for some early warning signs like out-of-character carelessness, impulsivity, desperation, outbursts, controlling or erratic behavior. If they are open enough to it, encourage them to pause, step back, and attend to the problem in a more patient and reflective manner. When extraverts get stressed, they tend to get more and more aggressive via tertiary loop, and this leads to more and more mistakes that eventually make them withdraw via inferior grip. At that time, help them reconnect to their dominant function (see the Type Development Guide for tips). Once they return to a more normal state, encourage auxiliary function development as necessary to resolve deeper psychological issues.

It’s important to remember that not every attempt to help will be successful. Human problems are complicated and often difficult to resolve. If you try to help but someone doesn’t take it well or reacts poorly, don’t take it personally, i.e., don’t turn it around and make it all about you! When people are overwhelmed with emotions, they can’t think straight, much like a drunk person, so you shouldn’t hold them to the same standard as their regular self or expect that they will show normal rational judgment. Give them leeway to make some mistakes or do things messily. Help people by providing them unconditional support - not by trying to change them into how you think they should be (as they will only get defensive) or by thinking that you can do everything for them (as they won’t learn anything). 

When someone is in the thick of an emotional episode, avoid making it worse for them, for example, by:

• Si: not acknowledging their anxiety; pressuring them to act/decide
• Se: scolding/policing them or ordering them to calm down
• Ni: pressuring them into talking and/or interrupting when they do
• Ne: pointing out more difficulties and making them more pessimistic
• Ti: making them confront something before given a chance to think
• Te: accusing them of incompetence, personal failing, or weakness
• Fi: criticizing them or pointing out even more mistakes/failures
• Fe: offering unsolicited advice or criticism instead of empathy

Being sensitive to people by carefully choosing an appropriate way to address their emotional problems shows them that you’re committed to them and the relationship. By investing enough time and energy to care, you give people the confidence to invest further in the relationship in return. When someone’s able to meet your emotional needs, show them gratitude and appreciation, such that they feel closer to you by being able to help you, then they’ll feel more encouraged to help out again if necessary. This sense of reciprocity helps the relationship grow deeper over time.

Instead of using personality differences as an excuse for conflict, use the information to adapt better and come up with ways to benefit difficult situations. This boils down to acting with greater self-awareness. Ask people nicely for what you need. Be open to help and helping people. Show appreciation for kind gestures. Anticipate people’s feelings. Contain negativity with patience and mindfulness. Doing all of this will quickly improve any relationship and your mental health. According to research, a key component of a meaningful and lasting relationship is KINDNESS. You can’t maintain a sense of kindness in a relationship if you’re not attentive to each other’s emotional needs.